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Nov 07, 2023

LOCAL COLUMN: Boundaries make for delicious food, healthy relationships

Josh Williams, Ed.D. Josh Williams, Ed.D For The TranscriptIn his 1982 number

Josh Williams, Ed.D.

Josh Williams, Ed.D

For The TranscriptIn his 1982 number one hit, "What's Forever For," Michael Martin Murphey lamented a conundrum still plaguing relationships today. He sang,

I see love-hungry people ...

Tryin’ their best to survive ...

While in their hands is a dying romance ...

And they’re not even tryin’ to keep it alive ...

Love can prove difficult. Many march into it armed with dreams and a spirit of freedom only to find themselves a few years down the road, stuck and barren.

Yet despondency from fallow love isn't just limited to romantic couples. Relationships from extended family to distant coworkers struggle to yield their desired bounties. So how can these "love-hungry people" move from mere surviving to thriving?

The answer appropriately lies in food. That's right, three of our favorite menu selections hold the answers to healthy, satisfying relationships.

If you visit my office, you’re going to hear a lot of discussion about iced tea, PBJ's, and chocolate cake. Iced tea is one of my favorite beverages. It's a delightful blend of ingredients, customized to quench the deepest thirst on the driest of occasions.

Ever wonder why we call it "iced tea"? We don't refer to a soda on the rocks as iced Coke or iced Dr. Pepper. It's probably because we are differentiating it from hot tea. But who in Oklahoma drinks hot tea? I tend to believe it's because the relationship is so meant-to-be, one should never be served without the other.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, affectionately dubbed "PBJ's", are also a favorite of mine. Easy and affordable, delicious and satisfying, peanut butter and jelly first announced their glorious marriage on a menu more than 120 years ago, and their bond does not appear to be waning in popularity.

We call it "PBJ" because they go together like a wink and a smile. And who doesn't love chocolate cake? No one says "chocolate cake with icing." We know chocolate cake has icing. If it doesn't have icing, it's not chocolate cake; it's a brownie!

Relationships are not unlike some of our favorite foods. Connected with a glue so adhesive, we refer to them as a unit. Rarely do we spot, or even desire to glimpse, one without the other.

They are the dynamic duos and bands we enjoy on our televisions and radios. Our own circles comprise couples, families, and friends who share nicknames, handles, and epithets.

But what, exactly, makes these relationships and choice delicacies so wonderful? Boundaries. Rarely does my tea glass remain untouched long enough for the ice to melt into the yummy liquid. But on the rare occasion it does, it's repulsive, or undesirable at best.

I don't go into the kitchen and plop a scoop of peanut butter in a bowl along with a scoop of jelly and mix it all together to form a new substance. No offense to Goober Stripes, but this severely lessens the appeal.

Individuals bonded together in the closest of relationships become exponentially better than the sum of their parts because they maintain their individual identities. Those who lose themselves in a relationship are in danger of forfeiting the sheer awesomeness of the whole.

Furthermore, the parts of a great combination actually become better because of their alliance. I don't particularly like ice by itself. Nor do I go to the pantry with spoon in hand, unlid the jar of jelly, and nestle onto the couch for a delicious snack. Some (my wife included) will gladly partake of cake icing in this manner, though I, myself, find it to be an overly rich and unbalanced experience.

Healthy marriages and delightful entrees make the individual parts better versions of themselves. "Components" who protect their identity accentuate the appeal, health, and longevity of the entire package.

In short, a person who remains true to himself is one who makes himself healthy first. Does it seem wrong to think of yourself first in relationships? Even Jesus said,"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:31)

This clearly states that one shouldn't love his neighbor more than he loves himself, and implies that he should love himself first. Otherwise, how can he know the measure to love his neighbor?

Are you meeting your "neighbor's" needs and neglecting your own? Is your own self-care taking a back seat to relational demands? Icing melting into the cake. Ice dissolving into the tea. Needs lost. Absorbed by the whole and thus furthering its demise. Romance dying in our hands.

Clients ask me all the time, "How do I get better?" The answer is simple, but not easy. It is the foundation for the healthiest relationships and the most delicious of foods: boundaries and self-care.

Josh Williams, Ed.D, is a faith-based counselor and sole proprietor of Joshua Williams Counseling in Norman. He specializes in healing emotional pain and trauma presenting as anxiety, depression, and stress in relationships, and has over 20 years of experience in ministry, education, and relationships. He's served as a teacher, principal, pastor, and counselor.

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